Monday, 5 October 2015

Not the news (Archive)

Funny the things you find on your google drive, when you are mindlessly sat at you computer on a (legitimate) sick day...

This is
Not the News
Product of a frustrated mind, inspired by news of the week 15/11/2013.
It’s All Bullshit.

Suns pending magnetic flip has scientists worried.
Concerns about the effect causing all particles except those within the accelerator to be propelled to near light speeds may have been voiced, when one CERN scientist was not quoted to have said "we're fucked, isn't it?"

India mars mission “snag” averted
Technical issues plaguing the India Mars mission evaporated today when one of the developers finally recognised that “exceptions mattered” and began properly catching and handling them.

Ferrari of space satellites caught on camera
"Don't believe the urban myths" said area traffic enforcement officer "you can’t be travelling too quick for the speed trap to catch you". ESA declined to comment, later releasing a statement saying the driver was not clearly identifiable.

One-tonne satellite fragments fall to earth
One tonne fragments? How fucking big was it?

El Nino caused half  of global warming since 1970.
The band was unavailable for comment, citing a hectic international tour schedule.

Prosthetic hands seen as "eerie" by public.
Manchester University conducts study finding general public's unease towards prosthetic hands, but Area cockney cripple insists "They're 'armless..."

Scientists create DNA powered "nano-train" network.
Scientists have created nano-scale engines running on nano-scale tracks carrying signals and payloads, but this reporter bets they are still years away from being able to create the required nano-infrastructure required to screw it up as badly as previous governments did with the real thing.

And that, people, was most definitely not the news.